If You're Still Conscious
by MmllePoulain
Summary: When Edward and Alice aren't at school, the lunch conversation always seems to take an interesting turn. Today was no exception, much to Bella's mortification. Canon pairings.


**Hello lovelies! My goodness it's been a while since I posted anything on here! I've actually had this written up for ages, and never got around to posting it. But it's here now! **

**This story was inspired by a line in a show called Torchwood, which essentially boils down to the following phrase: "Is it still necrophilia if I'm conscious?"**

**I hope you all enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything. And, even though my initials are the inverse of hers, it doesn't mean I get a share in any of it... :(**

* * *

><p>Sunny days were the bane of my existence. None of the Cullens were at school, obviously, and as a result of this, I found myself walking towards Angela's table, as I normally do in these situations. I know it's not the nicest thing to do; only spending time with these people when Edward and Alice weren't around, but I really didn't have much choice. Those two gave everyone the creeps, even though they didn't realise it. But I definitely noticed the difference. On sunny days, when the Cullens weren't at school, everyone was much livelier, and conversations were always a little more… interesting.<p>

And today's conversation was no different. As I sat down next to Jessica, I discovered that Lauren was talking about a book she had read. It was apparently quite popular, but I'd never read it, or given it much thought at all, since I'm not one for sci-fi, and the main character of this was a vampire. But Lauren was enamoured by him, and was busy listing all of his perfect qualities. It might have sounded interesting, if I wasn't so amused by the portrayal of vampires in this book – dating one gives me something of an edge on all of these authors.

However, the conversation soon turned to drivel, and I started to tune out the conversations that forced me to sometimes refer to my own friends as the Idiot Brigade. It's not very nice, but you can hardly blame me. It's the only way I can endure the conversations about all the perfect qualities that a fictional character may possess. No one's perfect. And yes, I do realise I'm dating Edward, but even he's annoying sometimes. Take, for example, his stupid marriage-bargain. I don't want to get married. I just want to grind on my boyfriend a little bit. Is that too much to ask?

But I digress. As I was sitting there, feeling sorry for myself, I failed to notice that the boys were getting a bit annoyed. What I did notice, on the other hand, was when Mike practically shouted something about vampires, which I really wasn't expecting.

"BUT VAMPIRES ARE DEAD! HOW CAN THAT BE SEXY?

The entire table paused, too shocked for words. Lauren and Jessica looked highly affronted, whereas Angela just looked amused, and waited to see where the boys were going with this. I, meanwhile, was still trying to process the outburst. _Where the hell did that come from?_ And then, as the boys realised they had the upper hand during vampire-chat, for once, they decided to run with the idea for as long as possible.

"Yeah," agreed Tyler, "Why do you girls find them all so sexy, when really, all they want to do is suck your blood? That's just gross!"

"And they're all so much older than you. They probably all born before your grandparents!"

"Ultimately, you're all just necrophiliacs," said Eric.

And that's when Jessica piped in.

"What's necrophilia?"

Eric, looking very uncomfortable, sighed and explained that it was a person who liked to be… _intimate_… with corpses.

"Eww! You mean, like, dead?" Jessica clarified. Eric merely nodded.

Dead silence followed. Pardon the pun.

Then, finally, Lauren said something that nearly made me fall off my chair in surprise.

"I guess it all just depends on whether you think they're dead or not. What do you think? Does it still count as necrophilia if the person's conscious?"

It really shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did. Lauren was, as I'm sure you've figured out, completely obsessed with vampires. And sadly, the more outlandish the idea, the more Lauren seemed to love it. Nothing can be said to deter the conversation, once vampires have been mentioned, so I guess it's a good thing that she's so open-minded about them, but still. The fact that it's impossible to get her to stop talking really can get irritating after a while. Actually, I'm surprised that she _hasn't _made the connection between the Cullen family and the novels she loves so much. I guess she really is that dense.

It was, therefore, no surprise when, since no one else had spoken, she continued.

"I mean, they are technically _dead_ during the day, and then come back to life at night, don't they? Plus, in so many books I've read, if the vampire doesn't drink blood, they'll start to decay, and go all gross," she finished astutely.

"You mean that, if these things don't drink blood, they'll start to decompose, and eventually just turn back into the rotting bones, or whatever, that they should have been?" asked Tyler, the most blunt person in the group.

I couldn't believe that they were sitting here, discussing this so calmly. To be fair, they didn't think that vampires existed, but it was making me really uncomfortable. The only thing that was reassuring to me at the moment was that the conversation seemed to be going around in circles. Despite this, some of the things they were saying hit too close to home, and I felt the need to defend the vampires. I mean, I am dating one. And I'm going to become one soon. This attack was, to me, quiet personal. And so I foolishly interjected.

"I don't think that vampires are technically dead," I began. "I mean, they have a mind, and make conscious decisions. It's not like they have no choice in the matter. Why should any creature that is able to think be considered dead?"

"Well, yeah Bella," said Jess, who seemed desperate for me to be wrong, even if it was simply within this argument, "but didn't vampires have to die, before they were turned? Like in movies, where the vampire has a grave, and the tombstone has a date of death and everything."

"Yeah, and don't they sleep in coffins during the day?" said Mike, who, after his original outburst, had been surprisingly quiet.

They both looked to Lauren, who was fast becoming the 'vampire expert' on the table. Ironically, it seemed that she wanted to teach me about vampires.

"Alright, Bella, let's say they are alive. You still have to take into account the year that they were born. And if that happened centuries ago, then it's just as creepy."

I just stared at them all, unsure of what to say. I could tell that they believed what they were saying, and wouldn't back down until I did. And, having been on the receiving end of more than one of these kinds of arguments, I knew they'd be relentless. And so I backed down.

"Well, when you put it like that," I began, fully intended to disregard everything they said.

But then Lauren opened her mouth, again. And she said something that completely freaked me out.

"Alright, so it's been established: In our minds, vampires are all technically dead. And, if you do anything with them, you're a dirty necrophiliac."

* * *

><p>That night, as I was heading over to the Cullens', I just couldn't get that thought out of my head. '<em>Did that make me one of <em>those_ people?'_

I was worried. Surely Alice should have seen something like that. Why didn't she warn me? Or Edward, for that matter. I don't imagine he'd be too happy with what had been said at lunch today.

And that was why I was heading to the Cullens' house, even though they were supposed to be "going camping". I told Charlie that they were back early, and that I was going to visit Alice. Because mentioning Alice always seems to go over better with Charlie than if I mentioned Edward, even in passing.

However, when I got to their house, something seemed wrong. Alice hadn't greeted me outside, like she normally does. And I knew the Cullens didn't actually go camping. They just hung out at their house, being all sparkly. I decided that they must have all gone hunting together and walked into their house, intending to wait for them in their lounge room.

The lights weren't on, and it was much darker than I was expecting, considering that most of their house was made of windows. It wasn't that dark outside yet, or at least, I hadn't thought so. I couldn't find a light switch near the door, and figured it must be further inside the house. And so I walked down the hall, confidant that I wouldn't trip over anything in that small amount of space. How very wrong I was.

'_It's like I'm tempting fate, thinking things like that,' _I thought as I lay in the hall with my face pressed into the carpet, and my legs still somehow on top of that stupid... whatever it was... that I had tripped over. I could swear I heard somebody laughing. But the Cullens weren't home, and if they had been, they wouldn't have left this _thing_ in the hallway for me to trip over. Getting up, I finally found a light switch, and, glad that I would be able to see what I had fallen over, turned on the lights.

It took about ten seconds for the scene before me to actually register in my mind. But, once it had, I screamed.

That thing I had tripped over was a coffin. _A coffin_! And lying inside it, looking more lifeless than I had ever seen him before, was Emmett. His skin had somehow become sallow and gaunt, and he just looked so… dead.

I couldn't process the fact that this couldn't possibly happen. Neither could I register that, even if Emmett had somehow "died", there was no way that Esme or Rose would just leave him in the hall, lying in an open coffin. The only thing I could do was scream.

I screamed until Emmett blinked, grinned at me, and sat up. And then, as my expression changed from fear to shock, I noticed that he was silently laughing at me. And so did Alice, who walked into the room, after everything had gone quiet. The heartless pixie that was apparently intent on killing me before Edward had the opportunity to turn me into a vampire. Before I could kill _her_ for what she had just done to me.

But before I had time to even _think_ about berating her, she had turned to Emmett, and began to speak

"Wow, Emmett. You look a bit peaky. Have you been drinking enough blood? Because you know that, if you don't, you'll start to decompose."

"Eww! You mean, like, dead?" shrieked Emmett, in a nearly perfect impersonation of Jessica. And that's when it all clicked. Alice had seen what had happened, and thought this was the best way to tease me about it. By nearly giving me a heart attack. What a great friend.

"Yes, Emmett. That's exactly what I mean," said Alice, solemnly.

"Well, I guess that's fair. I am, after all, dead already. The magic that's keeping me alive could wear off any day now."

"You have had a good run, though. You could almost be a grandfather today, if you were still alive." I noticed that Alice wasn't even attempting to keep the smirk off her face anymore. And finally, I found my voice.

"That wasn't very nice, guys! I was so freaked out!"

"But Bella, you know that it's just not possible. And you also know that so many of the stereotypes are wrong. None of the arguments made any sense to someone _in the know_. So why did you have such a strong reaction?" Alice smiled at me kindly.

I just looked at her. "No one would react well, if they first thing they saw was a body in a coffin, Alice."

She was about to respond, but Emmett spoke up before she had the chance.

"I think she reacted so badly because she actually does think we're dead. And I can't say I blame her, considering how she spends most of her time with Edward. Him and his God-awful moaning about how "it's an existence, not a life", and all of that rubbish." He rolled his eyes.

But then he got a big smile on his face. And I knew that nothing good would come of this.

"Do you know what this means, though, Bella?"

When I didn't respond, he elaborated for me. "Seeing as you really do think we're dead, you kind of are a necrophiliac. Well, at the moment you're just fantasising, but things are going to take a turn for the dark, once you get married to Edward."

At that, Emmett and Alice could contain their laughter no longer. Thankfully, shortly after this, Edward got home, and I was saved from the beastly duo.

Wrapping his arms around me, he turned to the other two. "What's so funny? He asked.

Turns out Alice and Emmett are better at shielding their thoughts from him than I gave them credit for. But it didn't make me any happier. And so I kept quiet, deciding to let Alice explain. Sadly, Emmett got there first.

"Well Eddie," he began, shaking his head for extra effect, "Bella's embarrassed because she's just told us that she's secretly a necrophiliac. And she didn't know how to break it to you."

Oh great.


End file.
